第十四章  释放与人际关系·释放与两性关系

CHAPTER FOURTEEN  RELEASING AND RELATIONSHIPS;

RELEASING AND SEXUAL RELATIONS

 

  “爱，不能只单以一人为对象而不考虑其他人。在爱着一些人的同时讨厌另一些人是不可能的，因为真正的爱是无条件的。真正的爱里没有因为需要、试图控制或想要占有这样的元素。真正的爱里唯一的欲望是让每一个人都幸福。”——莱斯特·利文森

Love cannot be applied to one and not to another. It is impossible to love one and to hate another, for true love is unconditional. True love has no element of needing another or trying to control or possess another. True love's only desire is to make every other one happy.

--Lester Levenson

 

释放与人际关系

RELEASING AND RELATIONSHIPS

 

人际关系与我们最基本的、对爱与安全的欲望的联系是如此紧密，以至于它能够转瞬间就撩动起我们内心最深处的感受。因此，人际关系是极其有价值的，不管它是你分类中的好的还是坏的。在通往自由的道路中，一切皆平等而珍贵。我们一定要时刻提醒自己，感觉即程式，它们是后天习得的带有某种目的的反应。我们想要通过这来对别人的感受也施加某些影响，从而操控他们关于我们的行为，满足我们自己内心的目的。

我们即将认识到，所有我们关于其他人的情绪都基于一个很基本的信念，那就是我们内在是不完整的，因此他人都可被视为或用作通往终局的工具。我们尽管不可能真的按自己所想地去利用别人，但是很多时候都幻想过或者期待过吧。我们同样会发现，许多我们在人际关系里所经历的种种，都只发生在我们的想象里。

 

Because they are so intimately connected with our basic desires for love and security, relationships quickly bring up our innermost feelings. For that reason, they are extremely valuable, no matter whether the relationship is classified as good or bad. In the process of going free, everything is equally valuable. It is necessary to remind ourselves that feelings are programs; that is, they are learned reactions that have a purpose--and that purpose is directly related to achieving some end in the form of some effect on another person's feelings and, by doing so, to manipulate their behavior toward us and fulfill our own inner goals.

 

As we shall see, all emotions toward others involve the basic belief that we are incomplete within ourselves and, therefore, others are exploited and viewed as a means to an end. Although we may not be able to actually use the other person in the way we would like to, the utilization of the other person still occurs on the level of fantasy and expectation. We also discover that much of what we experience in a relationship is happening in our imagination only.

 

在我们检视人际关系里的各种情绪之前，我们首先要明确地设定好爱的概念，爱是一种存在的状态，是与另一人的合一感，而非一种情绪或感觉。任何情绪，如渴望、怨愤、仇恨或嫉妒都是短暂异变的，只有在人感受着它们的时候才会存在。许多因素能够改变它们，比如换环境、喝酒、嗑药。然而真正的爱是纯洁且永恒不变的。那些最终被销蚀或者演变成负面情绪的爱都不是真正的爱，那只不过是贪恋、依赖或占有欲。唯一一个我们不需要释放的就是爱，因为爱就等于存在。

下面，我们来观察一下不同的情绪带来的后果吧。

 

Before we examine the different emotions in relationships, we must first establish that love is a state of beingness, of oneness with another. It is NOT an emotion. It is NOT a feeling. Any emotion such as desire, resentment, revenge or jealousy, is changeable and transient, depending on the state of mind of the person experiencing it. It can be altered by a multitude of factors, may it be a change in the circumstances, alcohol or drugs. True love is pure and constant, unchanging. The kind of love which eventually vanishes or turns into a negative emotion was not really love in the first place. It was merely attachment, dependency, or possessiveness. Love is the only thing we do not need to release because lovingness equals beingness.

 

And now let us examine the consequences of the different emotions.

 

消极感觉，如万念俱灰、苦痛、恐惧、贪求、恐惧和自尊自傲会给我们的内在自我造成情感上的极大破坏，许多情况下甚至会引起身体上的疾病。就像那还不够糟糕似的，每当我们感觉讨厌别人、生别人的气时，他们也会不可避免地通过躲避或反击来报复我们。

所有的负面能量，说到底都是恐惧的化身；而正面能量本质上来说也都是爱。我们释放得越多，境界就会越高，我们也就会越接近完整的存在，越接近纯粹的爱。

 

The negative feelings such as apathy, grief, fear, lust, anger and pride, take an enormous emotional toll on our inner selves, which often create physical illness. As if that was not bad enough, when we are feeling hateful and angry towards others, they inevitably reciprocate by avoiding or counterattacking us.

 

All negative energies are essentially forms of fear. Positive energies are essentially forms of love. The more we release, the higher we go. The higher we go the closer we come to total beingness, to pure love.

 

很明显的一点是，高阶的意识会对我们的人际关系造成深远的影响，因为意识的法则之一就是相似的会相互吸引，我们的内在状态实际上在向外不停地辐射。我们可以给别人积极的影响，即使与他们相隔万里，因为感觉是能量，而能量会发出振动。我们就像信号的发射与接收站。我们越努力去爱，就越能发现自己本就被爱包围。消极的感觉被更高端的所替代了，奇迹就会发生。

释放掉所有的情绪会创造一次不可思议的大转变。

 

It is obvious that high states of consciousness have a profound effect on our relationships because one of the laws of consciousness is that like attracts like, and our inner states are actually radiated to others. We can positively affect others even from a distance because feelings are energy and energy gives off vibrations. We are like Sending and Receiving Stations. The more we love, the more we find ourselves surrounded by love. The replacement of a negative feeling by a higher one accounts for many miracles one can experience.

 

Releasing all emotions creates a miraculous shift.

 

一个释放法的学员通过一个故事来证明这一点：我是一个小公司的董事长，手下有五十左右个雇员。我们将一个很有前途的年轻人被提拔成了部门主管，然而后来我们发现他非常不成熟。他非但不对此表示感激、好好合作，反而变得自大、挑剔而偏执。他声称自己要闯入下一次董事会，用自己放肆的控告和要求给董事们点颜色看看。尽管那些控告是相当站不住脚的，整个情况依然会变得尴尬痛苦又难熬。有那么几天，我仅是讨厌这个家伙，因为他惹了许多麻烦、胡说八道、虚张声势。董事会那天，我边开车边在脑海里对他怒火中烧。突然间我释放了——我完全放下了对他的感觉。我看到了他内心里那个吓坏了的孩子，然后开始向他输送爱的信号。我所有的焦虑也消失不见了。当我看表的时候，心里充满了对他的同情与爱。那时已经是下午了，十二点半。当我到了办公室后，秘书告诉我那个人在最后一刻放弃了，回到了自己办公室。他说他改变了主意，认识到了自己的错误。我问秘书他是什么时候回来的，她说她记下了那个时间，也就是董事会开始和他改主意的时间——十二点半。

 

A graduate of the Release Technique illustrated this by a story: "I was President of a small corporation with about fifty employees. We promoted a promising young man as head of one of the company's divisions. It turned out, however, that this man was very immature. Instead of reacting with gratitude and cooperation for all that was done for him, he reacted by becoming grandiose, demanding and somewhat paranoid. He stated he was going to barge into the next Board of Directors meeting and cause a big upset with his wild accusations and demands. Although these accusations could easily be refuted the whole situation was still an awful and painful experience to live through. For days I just plain hated this guy for all the trouble he was causing with his unfounded claims and threats. The day of the Board meeting I was driving along the parkway thinking angry thoughts about him. Suddenly I let go—I released on him totally. I started to see the frightened child in him and began to send him love. All my anxiety disappeared. I felt a sympathetic love for him when I looked at my watch; it was 12:30 p.m. When I got to the office my secretary said that this man walked into the office at the last minute and called off the whole thing. He said he changed his mind and realized he made a mistake. I asked her at what time he had walked into the office. She said she made particular note of the time as the Board meeting was soon to take place. She had looked at her watch when he made his announcement about his change of heart. The time was exactly 12:30 p.m."

 

在人际关系里促进和谐与满足的最佳方法就是带着爱去设想最好的结果，将其形象化，确保那结果对双方都有好处，成为双赢的局面。

释放掉所有的消极感受，然后把那幅美好的画面印在脑海里。如果你感觉十分淡定，即使事情没有想象中那么理想，你就知道自己已经完全放下了。

 

The best way to facilitate harmony and satisfaction in relationships is to visualize lovingly the best possible outcome, making sure it is mutually beneficial, a win-win situation.

 

Release all negative feelings and merely hold the picture in mind. You can tell if you are really released if it is OK with you if it happens or if it doesn't.

 

我们之所以对释放有抵触，是因为我们错误地以为如果我们放下了“想要”，就得不到想要的东西了。如果我们不快马加鞭就会失去它。我们头脑里有这样的一个想法，即得到某物的方法是“想要”它。事实上，如果你仔细思考这个问题，就会发现事件都是我们的决定与选择的结果，且基于我们自己的意愿。我们得到的都是自己选择的结果，尽管那些选择是无意识做出的，与我们自以为自己想要的甚至背道而驰。当我们把那种“想要”的压力释放掉时，我们的思维会更清楚，做出的选择与决策也就会更明智了。

我们认为自己的幸福建立在控制全局上，而正是这一事实让我们失望。精确点说，这些事实让我们产生的感觉与想法才是我们失望沮丧的根源。关于我们的那些事实都是中性的，我们对它们的态度，即接受或不接受，和我们整体的感情状况给了它们能量。如果我们受困于某种感受，是因为我们内心某个隐秘的地方仍然相信它会为我们做成些什么。因此，我建议你针对你的某些人际关系做释放，你可以针对生活中的某人做贪爱憎恶练习或阻碍练习。试试吧，你会喜欢的。

 

One resistance to releasing is the illusion that if we let go of our wantingness that we won't get what we want. We will lose it if we don't keep pressing for it. The mind has the idea that the way to get a thing is to want it. Actually, if you examine the issue, you will see that events are due to decisions and choices based on our intentions. What we get is the result of these choices, even though they are unconscious rather than what we think we want. When we release the pressure of wantingness, we are clear to make wiser choices and decisions.

 

We think that our happiness depends on controlling events and that it is facts that upset us. Actually, it is our feelings and thoughts about these facts that are really the cause of the upset. Facts, in and of themselves, are neutral things. The power we give them is due to our attitude of acceptance or non-acceptance and our overall feeling state. If we get stuck in a feeling, it is because we still secretly believe that it will accomplish something for us. Therefore, I recommend you do some releasing on some of your relationships. You might do an attachment and aversion exercise on someone in your life, or you might do the stuckness exercise. Try it. You'll like it!

 

促进两性关系

IMPROVING SEXUAL RELATIONS

 

如今人们能够广泛地接触到色情内容的东西，也有很多得到多样的性体验的机会，因此他们认为自己已经处于性解放状态了。这种解放主要是理智上和行为上的。然而，大量的情感上、经验上和感官上的限制仍然存在。所有的体验都发生在意识里，因此性体验也毫不例外地由人的整体觉知层次和内在自由程度决定。

人的性体验受限的程度会随着他释放感觉的多少变得明显起来。当一个人已经完成性事方面的释放后，他的感受会变得更加立体鲜活，就像二维变成了三维。一个女学员说，“感觉就像，我以前只能听见小提琴，然后大提琴、长笛什么的都逐渐加了进来。如今我的体验变得如此完整丰富而广泛。”

 

Because of the wide availability of sexual material and opportunities for varied sexual experience, most people nowadays consider themselves rather sexually liberated. This liberation is primarily intellectual and behavioral. However, there still exists a great deal of emotional and experiential limitation, as well as sensory restriction. All experience takes place within consciousness itself so that sexual experience, like any other, is determined by one's overall level of awareness and inner freedom.

 

The degree to which one's sexual experience has been restricted becomes apparent the more one releases on feelings. When one is totally released on sexuality, it is like adding a third dimension to what was before a two-dimensional experience. As one woman put it, "It's like I used to hear just violins. Then a cello was added, and then a flute, and so on, so that now the experience is totally full and comprehensive.”

 

除了表现方式被解放后能够带来更多情感上的欢愉，感官体验本身也会发生变化。对大多数人（特别是男人）来说，性刺激和性高潮主要来自于生殖器的快感。当人变得更自由之后，高潮发生的部位也会延伸扩展到整个骨盆、下腹、双腿、手臂……整个身体。在此之后，会有一段稳定期。然后，突然间意料之外的变化就发生了，高潮的部位会扩展地超出身体之外——就像身体周围的空间在经历高潮，而不是这具身体这个人。最终，高潮就没有限制了……它看上去已经扩展到了无限大，也不再只能在特定的中心或部位体验到。就像在场已经没有个人了，高潮在自己进行着体验着。

意识到面部表情扭曲和屏住呼吸这样的限制是因为害怕失去控制而试图去限制性体验而产生的，能够促进上述的发展。如果你在性行为过程中寻找紧抓感或抗拒感，就会发现自己的恐惧，然后就可以释放它。最后，你的性体验会快速提升的。

 

Besides the greater emotional pleasure of freedom of expression, there is a change in the sensory experience itself. To most people (men especially), sexual excitation and orgasmic pleasure are primarily a genital sensation. As one gets freer, the locale of the orgasm begins to expand and spread to the whole pelvis and abdomen, the legs and arms ... the whole body. After this accomplishment, there is often a plateau that follows and then, suddenly and unex pectedly, the orgasmic location expands beyond the body--as though the space around the body was having the orgasm instead of the person. Ultimately, there is no limitation of the orgasm. It seems to expand into infinity and be experienced from no particular center or locale. It is as if there is no individual person present. The orgasm is experiencing itself.

 

This expansion is facilitated by becoming aware that the facial grimacing and breath-holding are restrictions due to fear of loss of control and attempts to limit the experience. If one looks for any clutching or resistance during any sexual encounter, the fear will become conscious and can be released. Ultimately, your experience will be greatly enhanced.

 

你也不会再强迫自己进行性行为。因为自由不仅包括沉溺放纵的自由，也包括不进行性行为或者不高潮的自由。当一个人完成释放后，他不会被对高潮的渴望所驱使的。这会释放出某些创造性的体验和觉知，因为头脑不再集中在高潮本身了。从对高潮的渴望下解放出来会允许性行为（或者其他你针对其做释放的对象）拥有更大的自由，让你拥有做与不做的选择权。

人越自由，就越能被爱所激励，而不再被对满足的渴望所驱使。这种动机的变化，从极度渴求性高潮到两个人分享快乐与幸福，会让两性关系性质发生极大的变化。与另一个人亲热会变得更加具有包容性和愉悦性。两个人的动作会更加协调，各人的风格和满意度也会得到直观的满足。一对夫妇如是说：“那感觉就像我们只是在看着自己的身体在做，而我们是那所有一切得以发生的空间。只要我们之中的一个有了什么新的欲望或原想，另一个就会自动地，想都不想地去实践出来。就像我们是精神上相通的一样。我们通过释放关于内在的对于我们自己的幻想和对方的下一步的感觉走到了这一步。我们做爱的多样性和频率也提高了。原来只在周五周六的晚上做，现在我们可以每天都做也可以连着几星期不做。每次都有全新的感觉，每次都不一样。情况以令我们惊讶的速度和程度变得越来越好。每次高潮都比上次更棒，然而我们对做爱的过程已然非常满意了，也不会再刻意去追求高潮。不管它发生了还是没有，我们都感觉很好。我猜这才是自由真正的涵义。”

 

Sexuality loses its compulsiveness because freedom means not just freedom to indulge, but freedom not to have sex or orgasm. When one is released, they are not run by the desire for the orgasm. This releases creative experiencing and awareness because the mind is not focused on the orgasm itself. To be free from the domination of the desire for orgasm allows sexual experiences (or anything you release on) to have a greater freedom to do or not to do them.

 

The freer one gets, the more one is motivated by lovingness rather than by desire for gratification. This change of motivation from wanting this in hunger to the sharing of pleasure and happiness brings about major changes in the nature of sexual relationships. The intimacy with another is more encompassing and pleasurable. There is greater attunement to the other person's sexuality and intuitive fulfillment of each other's styles and satisfactions. One couple expressed it as follows: "It is as though we just witness what our bodies are doing. It is as though we are the space in which it is all happening. As soon as one of us has a desire or fantasy, the other automatically--and without even thinking—moves in to the acting out of that fantasy. It is as though we are psychically connected. We got that way by releasing on our inner feelings about our fantasies and how we thought the other might react. There is greater variation and frequency, also. It used to be mainly Friday and Saturday nights. Now we make love for days at a time and go for weeks without it. It is always new. It is never the same. Amazingly, it just keeps getting better and better. Each orgasm is better than the last, and yet often we are so satisfied with the lovemaking that we don't even bother to have an orgasm. If it happens, it's OK and it's OK if it doesn't. I guess that's what being free really means."

 

在一次释放聚会上，另一个人说，“我以前从来没有真正意识到性在多大程度上控制着对我的几段关系。那真的是强迫性的。我总是唯恐错过每一次做爱的机会。如果不能与我的伴侣做，我就自慰。我不想错过每一次兴奋的体验啊。现在我的模式变得更多变了。事实上，现在我没有固定的模式了。如果事情如我所愿了我会很高兴，不能如愿的话我也不会多想。我曾经一直在我脑海里幻想做爱的情景。以前，女生一般会拒绝我。但是现在我对此没那么在乎了，她们反而要么主动提出来要么在我问的时候很快答应。我发现现在我比起自己的感觉更关心她们。我明白，以前我真的只是利用女人们来满足我自己自私的需求，这是直觉告诉我的。现在我感觉到了自己对女人的爱惜，我是真的在关心她们的福利与快乐，即使是一夜情对象。不再撒谎是多大的解脱啊。”

从上面的案例里可以看出，他的意识里发生了很大的变化，从匮乏到丰盛。一个以自我为中心的人是愤怒而受挫的，而且感觉非常缺乏。他变得越充满爱意，就能得到越多的爱的回应，从而发现人其实都是被爱和得到爱的机会所包围的。一个女人说，“我一直肥胖又其貌不扬。我一生都在妒忌和讨厌着那些性感美女。我也恨男人，因为他们从不靠近我。我非常自怜自伤。我甚至尝试了心理疗法，不过我又放弃了，因为我察觉到那个医生对其他有魅力的、年轻的女病人比我更上心。我尽我所能克服着我的自怜自伤和抑郁，得到了好的工作，然而男人还是对我没有兴趣。后来我听说了圣多纳释放法，参与了基本的课程。一周之后，我得到了一个约会的邀请。我实在是太兴奋了，甚至都不想吃东西了。我们度过了一段很愉快的时间。然后，突然之间，我明白了这个秘密。我是在给出爱，而不是寻找爱。我整个的人生因此而改变了。当我进入一个房间时，我看到的是那些孤独的、渴望爱的男人们，他们看上去就像我以前那样，所以我真切地明白他们的感受，也知道如何与他们交流沟通，如何表达自己。我将自己置于他们的位置，看着他们的心慢慢融化。我曾经把他们吓跑，因为我如此饥渴。明白了吗？饥渴！是的，那就是我的问题。现在我感觉很充盈，也乐意去分享这份充盈和我所学到的东西。我认识了这么多男人，以至于我都没空大吃特吃了。我一年之内瘦了三十五磅，不是因为刻意节食，而仅仅是因为我对食物不再有那么大的兴趣了。我猜是因为我找到了对的方式让自己得到了愉快和满足。也许我曾因为感觉太新奇而变得很狂热，不过不久后我会平息下来的，因为现在我真的对某人有意思了。”

 

At a releasing workshop of graduates, another man said, "1 never really realized before how much sex ran my relationships. It was really compulsive. I was always afraid I would miss out on a sexual opportunity. If sex with a partner wasn't available, it was the same way with masturbation. I didn't want to miss out on the opportunity for pleasure. Now my pattern is more variable; in fact, now I have no pattern. When it happens, it happens and it's great when it does. When it doesn't, I don't even think about it. I used to have sex on my mind all the time. Girls would usually say no. But now that I really don't care that much about it, they all either suggest it or say yes if I ask. I find now I am concerned about them instead of me. I see that before I was really just using them for my own selfish ends and, intuitively, I knew it. Now I feel a lot of love for women. I really care about their welfare and happiness, even if it's only a one-night stand. What a relief not to have to lie anymore."

 

From the example above, it is clear that there is a change in consciousness from lack to abundance. A self-centered person is angry and frustrated and feels deprived. The more loving they become, the more they receive what they are giving and find that we are all surrounded by love and opportunities for loving involvements. One woman said, "\ was always overweight and not good looking. All through my life, I envied and hated sexually attractive women. I got to hate men, too, because they avoided me. I was full of self-pity. I even tried psychotherapy, but I quit when it became apparent he was more interested in his attractive young women patients than he was in me. I did est and at least got over my self-pity and depression and got a better job, but men still weren't interested in me. Then I heard about 'The RELEASE Technique' and took the basic course. Within a week, I had a date. I was so excited, I even lost my appetite. We had a great time! Then, all of a sudden, I saw the secret. I was giving love instead of looking for it. My whole life has changed now. When I enter a room, I see all the lonely, love-starved men. They look just the way I used to, so I really know what they are feeling, as well as what to say to them and how to express myself. I put myself in their place and watch them as their hearts melt. I used to scare them away because I was so hungry. Get that? Hungry! Yeah, that was my problem. Now I feel full and I share that fullness and share what I have learned. I know so many men I haven't time to eat anymore. I have lost 35 pounds in one year. I never even dieted. I just lost interest. I guess it is because I am getting gratified in a way now that really means something to me. Maybe I am a little wild with the newness of it, but I'll settle down before long. There is one guyI'm really interested in right now."

 

后来，她还说道，“我明白了为何人不能以金钱去治愈贫穷。因为这完全是意识层面的事。我明白了为什么穷者愈穷，富者愈富。那与你所坚持的有关，与你前进的方向有关。我真的很庆幸自己转变了方向，我曾经有可能孤独终老，在痛苦中死去。现在我甚至有了一辆新车，我的一个男友是卖二手车的，我从他那里得到了很大的优惠。以前的我会疑神疑鬼，认为他打什么坏主意。但是现在的我很开放，也愿意相信别人了。“

于是，性就加入到我们的整体意识状态里了。随着我们放下恐惧与限制，我们生活的那一部分会有所发展，而且变得更加令人满意，然而这一点并不是必需的。自由与创造性会取代强迫和限制。交流的快乐和非言语的理解会取代从前以自我为中心的想要缓解紧张的冲动、简单地对肉体欢愉的需求以及自我膨胀。那个秘密，就像前文那位女士所阐明的一样，就在我们以给代求的觉悟里。所有我们的需求都会自动被满足的。

 

Later, the same woman said, "I see why you can't cure poverty with money. It's a state of consciousness. I see why the poorer get poorer and the richer get richer. It's what you are holding. It's the direction in which you are going. I surely am glad I changed direction. I could have ended up bitter and alone and died prematurely. Now I even have a new car. One of my boyfriends sold used cars and I got a real deal. Before I would have been suspicious and figured it was a crooked deal or something like that. Now I am more open and trusting."

 

Sexuality, then, joins in our overall state of consciousness. As we let go of fear and limitations, that area of our life expands and becomes ever more gratifying, and yet not necessary. Freedom and creativity replace compulsiveness and limitation. The pleasure of communion and non-verbal understanding replaces the former self-centered drive for relief from tension and the limited goal of sexual pleasure and ego inflation. The secret, as the woman above stated, is in the awareness that when we seek to give instead of to get, all our own needs are automatically fulfilled.