《终极自由之路》26.家庭关系

星空

翻译：小粒子儿大天体

Why do we marry? Why do we have children? What are we seeking in marriage? In children?
我们为什么要结婚呢？为什么要有孩子呢？我们在婚姻中寻找什么？在孩子中寻找什么？

The answer to all these questions is: We want the greatest happiness. We believe that in marrying and in having children we will be happy. Were that true, all married people would be happy. A mere look at our institution of marriage belies this.
所有这些的答案就是：我们想要最大的幸福。我们相信婚姻和孩子会给我们带来幸福。如果那是真的，所有的已婚人士都会是幸福的。但是只要稍稍看下我们的婚姻制度，就会发现那不是真的。

Wherein lies the fault? Is it in marriage? No, the fault lies within us. We wrongly look in the wrong direction. We externally seek happiness outside of ourselves, -in others. We shall never find a continuous happiness with no sorrow so long as we look to others or to things outside of ourselves. A happy person is one who takes his happiness from within and he is happy, whether married or single.
问题到底出在那里？是婚姻本身的问题吗？不，问题出在我们自己身上。我们的方向错了。我们想从他人那里获得幸福，但是只要我们这么做，便永远也不会得持久的幸福。一个幸福的人必是从自身得到幸福，而不论他是否已婚。

Should we marry or should we not marry? That is a moot question. You will do exactly what you will do. You have predetermined precisely what you will do on this point. Therefore the important question should be: How can I attain the ultimate happiness?
我们应该结婚呢还是不应该结婚？这个问题毫无意义。你会去做你会做的事，因为你早就预先做出了选择。因此重要的是问自己：我如何才能获得终极幸福？

Marriage affords an excellent opportunity for growth and should be so used. One is constantly confronted with situations where one may increase one's love for one's family. Every day we should make it a practice of increasing our love, using all the situations we find ourselves in wherein we are not loving, to the best of our ability, by consciously increasing our love for the other one until it is completely selfless. When we reach the state of selfless love, we have reached the Godhead.
婚姻提供了一个绝佳的成长机会，所以应该利用婚姻来成长。在婚姻中，你总是要面临各种情况，可以借此来增加对家庭的爱。每天当我们发现自己不在爱时，可以利用这个机会来练习爱，尽己所能并有意识地提升我们的爱，直到我们的爱变成完全无私的爱。当我们达到那个境界时，我们就获得了神性。

***

Q: What a difficult thing it is to be married, Lester:?
问：莱斯特，婚姻真的好难啊

Lester: Some people find it very easy. The difficulty is in us and not in marriage.
答：有些人觉得很容易。困难在于我们自己，而非婚姻。

Q: It has a positive aspect, hasn't it? Isn't there a release from selfishness?
问：你说的是婚姻积极的一面。真的能在婚姻中摆脱自私吗？

Lester: Yes. Marriage should teach us selflessness.
答：是的。婚姻应该教会我们无私。

Q: So in that way there is a positive step if it's handled correctly. It teaches love of one person, therefore you can enlarge it in the family and then to a larger unit. Isn't that true?
问：所以如果能处理得好，那婚姻可以是积极的。它教会爱，你可以把对家庭的爱扩展到更大的范围。是这样的吗？

Lester: Yes. It's a positive step wherein you're involved in a situation in which you can learn non-possessiveness. It's a very positive step in that direction. The thing we're looking for in a mate is the thing called love. Love is this Beingness that we are. Love is God. Looking for it in a mate, we never find it. However, if one is married, one should very definitely love his or her mate as much as possible. When we learn how to love a mate properly, we can love others properly.
答：是的，当你能在婚姻中学会不再占有，是非常积极的一步。我们试图从伴侣身上寻求爱，但那是徒劳的。爱是我们一直所是的存在，爱是上帝。如果一个人结婚了，他/她应该尽可能地去爱自己的伴侣。当我们学会如何正确地爱自己的伴侣，我们也就能正确地爱其他人。

When we realize what love is and what we are really seeking, we stop seeking it externally in a mate or in the world, and we seek it within. The very best marriage is to marry God. Could you get a better mate?
当我们意识到爱是什么，我们真正找寻的是什么，我们就会停止向外寻求，转而把目光向内。最好的婚姻是跟上帝结婚。你还能找到比这更好的伴侣吗？

Q: Should we be married?
问：那我们应该结婚吗？

Lester: I don't talk against marriage; I don't talk for it. I want you to have what you want for yourself. A married person can find God, but has more obstacles than a single person. A single person can more easily concentrate on the path. A married person is forced to be concerned about his mate and children, if there be children. Now, most people who say. "I'll get married and continue on the path," almost invariably get so involved in their marriage they don't have time nor inclination for the path. So, in that sense it's an obstacle.
答：我并没反对婚姻，我不会谈论这个。我是想让你拥有你真正想要的。一个已婚人士也能找到上帝，但是会比单身的人面临更多的障碍。单身的人更容易专注。但已婚者必须还要关注他的伴侣和孩子（如果有孩子的话）。很多人都说：“我会结婚，同时也会继续这条路。”但实际情况是他们很难有时间和精力来走这条路，所以从那方面来讲，婚姻会带来更多障碍。

Q: Unless you married someone who was searching for it also, wouldnt it be a very difficult thing?
问：如果你的结婚对象不是走这条路的，会不会更难？

Lester: Yes. The very best situation in marriage would be to help the other one get realization. Marry only to help the other one fully know God. That should be the basis for marriage. And the other one should do the same for you. It should be mutual.
答：是的。婚姻中最好的情形是帮助对方获得开悟，帮助对方找到上帝，那应该作为婚姻的基础。你的另一半也应该帮你这么做，这应该是相互的。

Q: It should really be a spiritual state, not a possessive state?
答：那应该是灵性的状态，而非占有的状态？

Lester: Love is a freeing of the other one, not a possessing. That would be spiritual.
答：爱是让对方自由，而不是占有。那才是灵性的。

Q: How best could you guide children into the path?
问：如果才能引导孩子也走上这条路？

Lester: The best thing you can do is to set an example. Thats the very best way to teach children, -by example. They want to be like their parents. So it always comes back to: If you want to help your children you must help yourself. Then you'll find out you don't have to consciously do anything. Just help yourself and you'll see them grow with you.
答：你能做的最好的事就是树立榜样，那是教育孩子的最佳方式。也就是，孩子们想要变得像他们的父母一样。所以，问题总是回到：如果你想帮助自己的孩子，那你必须先帮助你自己。那样你就会发现你不必有意识地做任何事。只是帮助你自己，你会看到他们和你一同成长。

Q: We have two children and they're really different. They desired to be our children and we desired them, right?
问：我们有两个孩子，他们很不一样。他们想要成为我们的孩子，我们也想要他们，是这样吗？

Lester: Yes. We often choose parents who have characteristics similar to ours so that we can have a constant lesson in front of our eyes. This is why we find parents so difficult sometimes. If there's anything that I see in you that annoys me, it's because I have it in me. If I didn't have it in me, I couldn't even see it in you.
答：对。我们总是选择跟我们有相似特质的人作为我们的父母，那样我们的课题才能持续。这也是为什么我们有时会发现父母如此难相处的原因。如果你身上有某些地方特别招我烦，那是因为我自己身上也有。如果我没有，那么我是看不到你身上的那些的。

Because we choose parents who have characteristics similar to ours is one reason why people believe in heredity. (We only inherit our physical appearances.) Every child is different from every other child. You parents know this, that each one is a completely different individual. And if the present environment and heredity had any appreciable effect they would be very similar.
我们选择跟我们有类似特质的父母，这也是为什么人们会相信这是遗传（但实际上我们只遗传父母的外表）。每个孩子都与其他的孩子不同。你的父母知道这点，知道每个孩子都是完全不同的个体。但如果环境和遗传的影响很大，那么孩子们也会变得非常相似。

Q: A thought struck me that a child is born an absolute stranger to the parents. They don t know anything at all about that child. They are a stranger and it is up to you to make them love you. It is the amount of love that you pour out that induces the amount that they can pour out, isn't it?
问：我突然有个念头，说孩子对父母而言完全是陌生人。父母根本不知道有关那孩子的任何事。他们是陌生人，想要他们是否爱你取决于你自己。你能给他们多少爱，他们才能给你多少爱，是这样吗？

Lester: Yes, assuming that our memories are cut off and we begin at the beginning of this lifetime. But I have to say "No." if you take the history before this lifetime. We keep regrouping together. Attachments and aversions to each other keep us coming together lifetime after lifetime. An attachment between two individuals will bring them together again. Or, an aversion will do the same thing because an aversion is a holding on by holding off. Attachment is holding them to you; an aversion is holding them away from you. But you're holding them.
答：如果假设我们被清除了记忆，然后开始了今生的旅途，是那样的。但如果你把你的历史带到了今生，我会说“不是那样的”。我们总是会再次相遇，成为一家人。对彼此的执着和怨怼让我们在累世的轮回中不断相遇。两个个体间的执着会把他们捆在一起。怨恨也会带来同样的结果，因为怨恨通过拉扯来把他们连在一起。

Q: Lester:, as a parent, am I loving the flesh or loving the spirit of the children?
问：作为父母，我是爱孩子们的肉体呢还是他们的灵魂？

Lester: You're basically loving your own ego.
答：你是在爱你自己的小我。

Q: Because they're part of me.
问：因为他们是我的一部分。

Lester: Yes. You did it. You created them. You did that tremendous thing. And you want them to be a good example of you. See? Now, if we love our children we free them; we allow them to grow, to bloom and come out like a flower does. We don't try to fence them in. We free them and guide them and love them, unattached to them, knowing that they are God's beings. They are just as much God as I am, is the way you should feel. Also, they are going to go through life just the way they have set it out anyway. But you should strive to free them, to feel non - attached. This is a higher love than a love with attachment.
答：是的。你做到了，你创造了他们，你做了件了不起的事，你还想让他们成为你的好榜样。看到没？如果我们爱我们的孩子，会让他们自由，我们允许他们成长、绽放，像朵花儿那样。我们不会限制他们，而是给他们自由，引导他们，爱他们，不执著于他们，知道他们是上帝的存在。他们和我们一样都是上帝，这才是你应该感受到的。并且，他们会经历他们想要经历的。所以，你应该尽量给他们自由，不执著于他们。这是比执著的爱更高级的爱。

Q: Course, as you say, you do have to lead them.
问：当然，如你所说，你必须要领导他们。

Lester: Guide them. And they'll ask you for the guidance if you just free them. But they resent being dominated and dictated to the same way you do, the same way you did when you were a child. They don't like to be ordered around. But they want to learn. They have a natural curiosity; they'll ask you. And if you can start from the beginning by freeing them from the first day, bringing up a child is one of the easiest things to do. They'll follow you. But when you start telling them from the first day what to do and what not to do, they behave like an adult does when he is told what to do and what not to do. He resents it. He opposes it. Then, oppositional patterns are set up and by the time they're able to walk around, they've got this oppositional pattern well developed. That's what makes bringing up children so difficult.
答：是引导他们。如果你给他们自由，他们会向你寻求引导。但是他们讨厌被支配被控制，你小时候也是这样的。他们不喜欢被指挥来指挥去，但是他们想要学习。他们有着天然的好奇心，会向你问问题。如果你能从一开始就给他们自由，带孩子会是件容易的事。他们会跟随你。但如果你从一开始就告诉他们这能做、那不能做，他们的反应就同一个被呼来喝去的成年人一样。他们非常讨厌被支配，会反对被支配。然后，反对模式就被确立。等到他们会走时，反对模式会发展得更好，这会让带孩子变得更加困难。

Because of all our attachment we're trying to steer them, and they resist. We were trained that way; we train our children that way and they will train their children that way and it goes on and on.
都是因为我们执着于控制他们，所以他们才会反抗。我们小时候就是那样被养大的，所以我们也以那样的方式培养孩子，然后孩子们又以同样的方式培养他们自己的孩子，一代又一代地延续下去。

Training could be accomplished without opposition if it starts right. Show them the possibilities, the alternatives, and let them, make the decisions. Then they're working with you from the beginning and they don't develop oppositional habits.
如果从一开始就以正确的方式培养孩子，便不会有反对。给他们展示各种可能性，各种选择，让他们自己做决定。那样他们就不会和你对着干，反对模式也就无从发展。

* *

Families are regroupings of people who have been together before. Strong loves and strong hates bring us together again and again.
家庭是曾经共处的人再次聚到一起。强烈的爱和恨会让我们一次又一次地相聚在一起。

* *

Our attitude toward relatives should be the same as that toward all beings.
我们对亲属的态度应该跟对一切存在的态度一致。

* *

The first place to practice love is at home with the family. We should try to love our family more and more by granting them their right to be the way they are, more and more.
练习爱的首个场所是在家里，和你的家人一起。我们应该试着给家人们自由，让他们做他们自己，以此来作为对他们的爱。

* *

It's a great thing for spiritual growth to resolve relationships with parents (even if they have passed on). Parents present excellent opportunities for growth if and when we try to resolve our differences until there is only a feeling of love with no attachment.
处理和父母的关系，对灵性成长而言是非常有利的。如果我们能试着化解与父母的分歧，父母会是绝佳的成长机会，直到我们对他们只有爱的感觉，且是不带任何执着的爱。

* *

Family is excellent for bringing up to us all our reactive automatic behavior because there is where we developed most of it.
家庭造就了我们大部分的自动反应行为。

* *

Giving unselfish love to a child will develop unselfish love in that child this lifetime and will condition the child for a most happy life.
给予孩子无私的爱，能让孩子在此生发展无私的爱，并给孩子创造了幸福生活的条件。

* *

The main thing that a child wants from us is love, and we cannot fool a child. Children know our feelings and that is what they read. We fool ourselves with words but we don't fool them.
孩子们从我们这里最想得到的东西是爱，我们不能愚弄孩子。如果我们愚弄孩子，他们会感受到。我们用语言自欺欺人，但是不能欺骗孩子。

* *

When children are contrary it is because they are seeking to get attention from their parents. In early years this meant survival: If I am approved of by my parents they will take care of me, and I, the helpless child, will not die. A child tries to be good to get approval and, if impossible, becomes bad and in that way gets attention. This attention subconsciously implies approval. It becomes an aberrated pattern of behavior.
如果孩子逆反，那是因为他们想要从父母那里获得关注。在早期这意味着生存。如果我得到父母的的认同，他们就会照顾我，那么我，这个无助的小孩，就不会死。孩子表现得乖巧是因为想要获得认同，但如果这招行不通，那么就会通过变坏来引起关注。这样的关注在潜意识中意味着认同，并逐渐演变成一种异常的行为模式。

* *

If you can get to see your parents the way they really are and then love them the way they are you would be accomplishing tremendous growth.
如果你能如实地看待自己的父母，以他们所是的样子爱他们，你就会获得巨大的成长。

* *

You behave most automatically with parents. You'll find your parental behavior patterns applied to the world. You carryon the automatic behavior patterns set up before the age of six for the rest of your life (unless, of course, you change them).
你对父母的行为绝大多数都是无意识地。你会发现这种行为模式可以用来应对整个世界。自六岁前确立的这种无意识的行为模式，会被你沿用到你之后的人生（除非你改变它们）。

* *

Normalize your behavior with your parents and family. You've got to see your parents the way they are and accept them that way. Nothing should be blamed on your parents. No matter what they do you should accept responsibility for what you are.
导正你和你父母及家庭的关系。你必须如实地看待你的父母，接受他们所是的样子。不应该谴责你的父母。无论他们做什么，你都必须接受你对“你是什么”的责任。

* *

Total non-reaction to parents is close to realization.
对父母完全没有反应，就接近了开悟。

* *

It doesnt matter how we act as long as the feeling within is love. The attitude is more important than the act. Use this with family.
只要内在充溢的是爱，那我们怎么做就都不重要。因为态度比行为更重要。把这种态度用到你的家庭上。

* *

If we were capable of selflessly loving, instead of conflict with children, there would be complete harmony. But it is only because we have lost sight of what selfless love is that we are in this difficulty of opposition between parent and child.
如果我们能够做到无私的爱，而不是与孩子冲突，那么家庭就会一片和谐。但仅仅是因为我们看不到什么是无私的爱，才会陷入孩子与我们对抗的紧张局面中。

* *

Parents want to do wrong and yet want their children to do right. This makes the parent look dishonest in the eyes of the children and disconcerts them, causing rebellious feelings.
父母自己想做错事，却想让孩子做对事，这在孩子的眼中会被看成是不诚实，会让孩子感到不安，并引发抗拒的感受。

* *

A child will learn no better than the parent's example.
父母是孩子最好的榜样。

* *

Our responsibility toward children, because they cannot take care of themselves, is to feed, clothe and guide them until they are old enough to take care of themselves. But after a person is an adult, we should let go and let God take care of them, even though they seemingly can't take care of themselves. They need to learn that they, too, are taken care of if they take responsibility for themselves, or better, if they surrender to God.
由于孩子还无法照顾他们自己，所以我们有责任为他们提供吃穿，并引导他们，直到他们能照顾自己为止。但是当孩子成年后，我们应该放手，让上帝来照顾他们，即使他们看起来还是无法照顾他们自己。如果他们要为自己负责，或者更好的是，如果他们臣服于上帝，那么他们需要知道他们依然是被照顾的。

* *

The only real difference between children and adults is size and experience.
孩子和成人的唯一区别在于尺寸和经历。

* *

When parents say "don't" they are instilling inhibitions. When parents say "do" they are instilling compulsions. Both cause feelings of inability in the child.
当父母说“不要做”，他们是在灌输抑制。当他们说“要做”，他们是在灌输强迫。两者都会导致孩子的无能感。

* *

Children we see as an extension of our ego. We should see them as individuals and extend to them the rights we do to individuals.
我们不应该把孩子看成是自己小我的扩展，而是将他们视为个体，给予他们应有的权利，就像我们对待其他个体那样。

* *

You want to help your child, - help yourself.
如果你想要帮助自己的孩子，那就先帮助你自己吧。

* *

Every child is a whole, complete, infinite individual.
每个孩子都是完整、圆满、无限的个体。

* *

Seeing Truth doesnt belong to married people or single people. It belongs to those who seek and discover Truth.
对真相的洞彻并不属于已婚者或未婚者。它属于寻求并发现真相的人。

* *

Married people can get Realization, if they are determined to get it.
已婚者能获得开悟，如果他们决心这么做的话。

* *

The only happy couples are those with an understanding of Truth. They know that their joy is within and not in the other one.
幸福的眷侣只是那些洞彻真相的人。他们知道幸福是在自己之内，而非对方身上，

* *

What people are really looking for is love of God. Not knowing this they look for it in a mate.
人们真正所寻求的是上帝的爱。如果他们不知道这一点，就会在伴侣身上苦苦求索。

* *

Once you get the taste of God, it is easy not to marry. You feel no need for a mate. Being married to God you reach satiety.
一旦你尝到了上帝的滋味，保持独身会很容易，因为你没有了对伴侣的需要。跟上帝结婚，你会感到满足。

* *

It's an obstacle to have a mate. It's an added obstacle to have a child. It doesn't have to be; it can be an aid to growth if we so use it.
拥有伴侣是个障碍。拥有孩子更是个障碍。他们不是必需的，但如果我们能好好利用这个机会，它会是成长的助力。

* *

There is no one married whose unhappiness does not come from looking to the other one for happiness.
没有哪个已婚者，他的不幸不是来自于想从伴侣身上获得幸福。

* *

The only ideal marriage is when each marries to help the other one grow spiritually.
唯一的理想婚姻就是帮助彼此在灵性上获得成长。

* *

The top attainment is to have nothing but love for each parent, each sister, each brother, each child. Resolve this and you will resolve your relationship with the world.
最高的成就是对每个父母、每个孩子、每个姐妹以及每个兄弟都只有爱。解决了与他们的关系问题，你就解决了你与这个世界的关系问题。