我可以享有特殊的爱吗?

开心树

摘要: 我知道J兄说过他不会夺走我们的特殊关系，而是会把特殊关系转化为神圣的关系。我却担心，是不是有些特殊关系问题更大一点？……我想知道，我怎样才能驱散恐惧，不再担心我和妻子的爱是不是不太对？      学徒小组合译／感谢溪畔山阳为我们润稿  Q #1139 问：
我深爱着我的妻子，她充满母性的温柔，像慈母一样的照料我，她给予我的安全和爱，让我觉得很幸福。我知道J兄说过他不会夺走我们的特殊关系，而是会把特殊关系转化为神圣的关系。我却担心，是不是有些特殊关系问题更大一点？特殊需求与特殊的爱是同一回事吗，我们可以有特殊的需求吗？在我来看，好像人人都有特殊的需求，大家都在满足别人的需求，也要求别人来满足自己的需求。而且我们都不愿别人不理我们的需要而伤害到我们（虽然我们并不靠满足了特殊需求，才能得到心灵的平安）。我想知道，我怎样才能驱散恐惧，不再担心我和妻子的爱是不是不太对？还有我们的关系转化后会变成怎样呢？单是想到要对你坦然地提出这个问题，就够吓坏我了，那种感觉，就好像把我很脆弱的一面摊开来，任你评断似的。   Q #1139: My wife, whom I love very deeply, is a very nurturing and tender woman. I enjoy her mothering me, and she makes me feel safe and loved. I know that Jesus says he will not take special relationships from us, but will transform them. But are some special relationships worse than others? Are special needs different from special relationships, and are we allowed to have them? It seems to me that everyone has special needs and we all give and take; we all need people to not hurt us -- not that our peace of mind is dependent on our special needs being met. How can I understand and dispel this fear that my relationship with my wife is somehow wrong? What would our relationship look like as it is transformed? It scares me to death to open this issue to you and leave myself vulnerable to any judgments you might have.   答： 奇迹课程与我们这项服务(Q&A)的目的，绝非要来评断人们建立特殊关系是错的。我们不可能没有特殊关系，就像你说的，我们都有需要，也都盼望着别人来满全那些需求，并且不要伤害我们。   耶稣所要教我们的，是去看出这些关系下面隐藏的前提，把它带到光明之中，特别加以质疑。例如我们有这样的念头：我们是不完整的，我们天生如此。小我就是以此来蒙蔽我们，使我们无法看出，向外寻求慰藉与圆满并不能帮助我们，实际上还是自我伤害。我们不了解，小我赖以存在的，正是我们这些自我概念的前提。我们渴望建立特殊关系，也是基于这样的前提。于是耶稣要我们看出，当我们卷入他所称的「一连串无益的特殊关系」(T.15.VII.4:6)时，我们是如何看扁了自己。确实，在某一个关系中我们可能会感到舒适和安全(这并没有错，我们也不要求你停止这样的关系)，只是这安全感与舒适感总是短暂、有限且脆弱的。一切随时变化无常，于是我们又落回原点，不明白该怎么做才能再来满足我们的需要。   耶稣教导的，则是另一种更好的与他人连结的方式，我们的意识将得以回复到持久的平安与幸福，再不会为爱的寻求而感到失望了。这更好的方法，不外乎将关系的目的，从小我的改成圣灵的，并全心信靠他的指引，如此，我们会感觉好很多。   A: It is not the purpose of A Course in Miracles , nor ours on this Service, to judge anyone for being involved in a special relationship. It is just about impossible not to be involved in one, for as you say, we all have needs, and we all look to others to fulfill those needs and not hurt us. What Jesus is teaching us is that these relationships are based on a hidden premise that we need to bring into the light and question -- specifically, that we are incomplete and it is not our fault. The ego has pulled the wool over our eyes with this, and therefore we do not see how we are actually hurting, not helping ourselves by seeking for comfort and completion outside us. We don't realize that this is just the ego's way of sustaining its own existence. Jesus thus wants us to see how we are selling ourselves short when we become involved in what he calls “an endless, unrewarding chain of special relationships” (T.15.VII.4:6). Yes, we may experience comfort and security in a relationship -- that is not wrong and we are not asked to stop that -- but the security and comfort are always temporary, limited, and fragile. At any moment everything could change, and we would be back at square one, wondering what to do to have our needs met again. Jesus is teaching us that there is a much better way of relating to others, one that will not disappoint us, because it will restore lasting peace and happiness to our awareness. The better way, of course is changing the purpose of the relationship from the ego's to the Holy Spirit's, with the confident expectation that we will feel much better if we do.   因此，你需要着重的不是否定你与妻子的关系，而是改变这关系的目的，让自己能再次体验到心中本有的大爱，那才是你的真实身份，也是你妻子的真实身份。一个转化了的关系，能使你在心灵本具的大爱中体验到自己存在的核心，并发现你本不需要藉由他人来寻求爱的满足。神圣关系是由你内心对关系内涵的选择来决定的，这与身体的行为表现无关。关系只存于心中，接受圣灵对关系的目的，并不意谓外在需要做任何改变。在大部分情况中外在形势不会改变，只会发生内在的变化，你的态度会变得更和善仁慈，批判变少，需求变少，罪疚与恐惧感也减少了。你会了解，你们的关系并不在于两个人的身体呆在一起，而是心灵共享相同的福祉和终极的同一身分，你与她，无论在幻相内或在实相内，都是纯洁无罪、百害不侵的上主之子。你和伴侣间的对立感会逐渐消除，变得不再那么关键或重要了，取而代之的是你们逐渐强化的「同一」意识。   Thus, this is not about showing you that your relationship with your wife is wrong, but rather about changing the purpose of that relationship so you will get back in touch with the love in your mind that is your true identity, as well as your wife's. A transformed relationship is one in which you experience your centeredness in Jesus' love and therefore have no needs that you look to have filled by another. The holy relationship is entirely a matter of the content you have chosen in your mind; it is not about bodies behaving in a different way. Relationships are only in the mind, and accepting the Holy Spirit's purpose for the relationship does not necessarily mean that anything would change externally. Most often it does not. It is an inner change that takes place, in the sense that you are more kind and loving in your attitude -- less judgmental, less needy, less guilty and fearful. You would realize that the relationship is not about what bodies do together, but about minds sharing the same interests and ultimately the same identity, both within the illusion and in truth as God's innocent, invulnerable Son. The sense of separation between you and your partner would gradually diminish in importance and relevance, and would be replaced by a growing sense of your sameness.   在正视自己的「特殊关系」时，一定会不舒服的，因为特殊关系其实根植于自欺，其目的是想取代上主的爱(T.17.IV.2:7).，而我们的心中为此深埋了强烈的罪疚与恐惧。所以，我们的脚步必须超越小我，而回溯发现它所隐藏起来的大爱。J兄向我们保证这一定会成功，但他绝对不会强迫我们就范。 他只要求我们，发出一点小小的愿心，愿意去质疑我们的信念和价值观，如此而已。J兄会欣然临现于过程中的每一步，指引我们的前路。「救赎是如此的慈祥，你只需向它悄悄打个招呼，它就会全力以赴地伸出援手。有上主与你同在，你一点儿也不脆弱。」(T.14.IX.3:2,3)   There is bound to be discomfort in looking at the special relationship because of its roots in self-deception and especially because its purpose to be a substitute for the God's Love (T.17.IV.2:7). We have buried in our minds intense guilt and fear over this, and so it is necessary to retrace our steps to get beyond the ego to the love that it hides. Jesus guarantees our success in this, and never puts pressure on us to get on with it. Only a little willingness to question our beliefs and values is asked of us. Jesus' comforting presence will guide us through each step of the process. “The Atonement is so gentle you need but whisper to it, and all its power will rush to your assistance and support. You are not frail with God beside you” (T.14.IX.3:2,3).   网编小注：正文里谈特殊的爱
你若偏爱实相的某些部分，就无法了解爱的真谛。上主不知道特殊的爱这一回事，你若以异于祂的方式去爱，你怎么可能了解爱？相信特殊关系中的特殊之爱能带给你救恩，就等于相信分裂是救恩。救赎中彻底的平等性，方是救恩之所在。你怎敢确定上主儿女奥体的某一特殊部分，会比其它部分给予你更多的东西？过去是这样教你的。然而，神圣的一刻却告诉你，事实并非如此。(T-15.V.3:1-7)   因为在神圣的一刻中，过去已不复存在，你便会看到自己内在的爱，而无需往外去找，满怀罪咎地去窃取你误以为置于他处的爱。(T-15.V.9:7)  转自：奇迹课程中文部  Ken Wapnic专栏 2008/9/28