不曾改变的真相

开心树

Dear Mr. Carpenter 首先，我要谢谢你的指导。   我在1980年代早期开始研修奇迹课程。在我接触奇迹课程之前，我已经开始灵性探索了一段时间。 从我有记忆以来， 我一直想要了解我自己。 我是一个变性人， 我生为女人身， 但是在童年时期我就觉得我是一个男性。 在二十多年前我动了一次手术顺利的成为一名男性。但是由于钱不够， 再加上当时的整型技术有限， 那次手术并没有完全改变我的身体。   我的生活一直都在挣扎中度过，好运始终与我绝缘。 我好像一直都是孤单的一个人。我是家中唯一的孩子， 我在没有父亲的环境下长大， 而我的母亲常嫌我，简直有心理上虐待狂。 我和任何亲戚都没有来往。 我从十六岁开始就自力更生。 我经常为深沉的忧郁所苦。我由现实经验学到的人生观是：人生充满了痛苦和磨难，欢乐是难得的。 我常常想自杀来结束我的苦难。我没有自杀，是因为我对灵性世界的向往，期待在这一生中找到我的幸福和快乐。 所有我读过的灵修书籍都告诉我自杀并不能帮助我们逃离受苦。当我了解这一点时， 我非常失望。 我知道想要脱离受苦的唯一途径就是通过觉悟。   我决心要在这道途上成功。但是我现在需要帮助。奇迹课程引起了我的共鸣。我不但自己研读， 而且我也愿帮助其它的人了解它， 尤其是中国人。 我在过去20年来的愿望就是和若水老师一起学习奇迹课程， 并且帮助其它对奇迹课程有兴趣的中国人。   然而， 我所有的梦想和愿望从来没有在我生活中实现过。 生命和希望好像始终从我身边溜走。我想成就自己的事业。 我在我的工作上很有天分。 但是， 由于景气不好和运气不好， 再加上一些建筑方案的合作对象不好， 我在事业上也赔了不少钱，事业一落千丈。 我看着其它才能不及我的建筑师都赚很多钱而且获得认可，我却什么也没有。 我23年的一段婚姻也破裂了。 我母亲对我前妻的憎恨对我婚姻可说是雪上加霜。 在我婚姻的最后一年, 我结交了一个情绪受到严重创伤的女人， 需要很多的帮助和支持。 现在我看得出我与她的未来险阻重重，因为我们两个都有个人未解决的包袱。   我最近又动了一次手术， 仍然不太成功，需要重做一次。 在过去的一年半当中，我有非常严重的忧郁和疲倦。 我在吃抗忧郁症的药， 而且我觉得完全没有体力。 为了离婚，我变卖了自己的房子， 再也没有能力购屋。 我一直靠积蓄维生， 花得已经差不多了，我也感到恐惧。 我想要完成我的变性手术，可是现在也是不可能的了。 我将近53岁了， 我未能拥有自己的事业， 而现在必须一切从头开始。看来我好像已经失去了我人生中最好的机会。 我的身体、财务上、情绪上和心理上都很疲倦了。   我每天都跟耶稣、圣灵和上主祷告。 我每天都臣服于上主。我告诉我自己必须要有信心。我每天都求上主帮助我， 聆听我， 向我说话。我祈求上主让我更有爱心， 更能宽恕。 为什么我看不到一点点正面的变化呢？我每天都求上主告诉我祂到底要我做什么？我愿意做任何事。请帮帮我让我听到上主的声音吧！  我不知道该做什么。 我不知道我的梦想和欲望是不是上主给我的旨意。 我好像应该有自己的事业和收入才能和若水一起工作。但是现在我什么也没有。 一个占星家告诉我，我应该教书。 但是我看不到任何教书的机会。 我倒是很喜欢教书的。 占星家也说， 如果我搬到另外一个地区的话， 我的收入会比较好。但是我不知道这是不是上主的旨意。 我喜欢我的工作， 我在工作上很有创意， 但是在我住的这里好像没有我的市场， 我不知道怎么样推销我的的作品。 我做的是"环保有机建筑"。 我想知道上主到底要我做什么。   我也想知道我和这个女人的关系会如何。 我很爱她。 但是我不觉得她能以我想要的方式交往。我现在试着无条件地爱她而不求任何的回报。 这是非常困难的事， 但是我很努力的在做。 我想知道我和她之间的缘分到底是如何。  为什么我无法实现我的梦想？我相信我在灵性追求上算是非常努力的。 我现在比以前更有爱心和宽恕的能力。但是， 我还是为忧郁、无望和沮丧所苦。 即使这样， 我很清楚：找到上主和成为一个醒悟的人是我生活的主要目标。 我的信心比以前坚固。 但是我真的需要帮助。   亲爱的汤姆先生， 可不可以帮我跟上主沟通？我需要帮助。   亲爱的乔治：   收到了你的信，可以感觉到你的痛苦和折磨已经到了难以忍受的地步了。 然而，我向你保证：你不但可以改变这种处境， 而且借着寻求帮助，你其实已经开始这转变过程了。 在你内心某个无可名状的智慧其实很清楚： 是有一种平安而喜乐的生活方式存在的。若非如此， 那么你只可能认命而不会寻求出路的。 信任这种感觉吧！它会加速你生活的转机的。     我诚然了解你的痛苦，我们在这个世界上的人多多少少都在承受不同形式的苦， 但是我在你里面看见了一些东西， 你可能不知道， 而且目前可能也很难让你接受。 我看见了一朵美丽的花在纯然欢乐的光彩中绽放着，急切地希望和每个人分享它的美丽和欢乐。 这个完美的创造是在爱和无邪中诞生的， 它是所有创造的一部分， 而且始终如此。 我与你分享我见到的这神秘景象，只是为了提醒你，这个真相早已在你的心中， 却被埋藏在许多你自己充满内疚的错误认知之下。
  你其实已听过很多人给你类似的劝说了， 但是你觉得这美丽的图像只是一个永远遥不可及的梦。事到如今，你该设法明白： 你永远无法「变成」你已经「是」的东西。 你的灵修之旅不是去学习如何改变自己， 而是学习去跨越你不正确的自我认知， 看到那个永远不曾改变的真相。这就是在奇迹课程中要你学习宽恕的目的。能够觉察出自己执着的一些人生信念并不是真理，这便是改变我们信念的第一步。 第二步就是了解到我们自己的决定才是最后的关键，而鼓起勇气与力量去改变自己的心念。 显然，如果我们还要别人为我们的遭遇负责的话，我们就做不到这一点了。 我明白，在小我的信念体系里， 要克服「自己是别人信念和决定下的受害者」这个观点是相当困难的。   知道了我们不必成为别人的抉择下的受害者之后， 另一个给自己力量去改变心念的方法是，知道眼前的经验是出自自己的信念。 这些信念不仅控制了所有发生的事件的意义， 也决定了我们对事件结果的看法， 它们具体地创造了我们所经验到的一切。 你生长在一个很不看重女孩的环境里，这不过反映出你前世非常低落的自我价值感， 因而让你此世很容易接受这种价值观。 你觉得你应该是个男的，这是你选择变成「有价值」的第一个自我觉醒。被你母亲拒绝的经验，又进一步地影响你这一生的的学习经验。这使你不想活成像你母亲那样的女人， 这实际上和你的「性别倾向」是没有什么关连的， 这也说明了为什么你这一生在人际关系上屡屡出现问题。      你从小到大的挣扎是来自某种我称之为「自我否定」的结果，你做的人生选择带给自己的常是一些惩罚或虐待。请不要相信「运气」和「机会」，它和你的经历扯不上关系， 你这样想，只会更深地剥夺了你自我选择的力量。   我先前提醒你你那真实不虚的完美形象， 这正是奇迹课程所要告诉你的。你对奇迹课程的共鸣，就是因为你已经感受到这是让你回到自己真相的一条路。 也就是宽恕的本意。 然而，我必须提醒你，如果要让这个课程对你产生具体效果的话， 你必须诚心地承诺， 你要恒心地在每个罪疚和恐惧生起之刻提醒自己。宽恕的力量有没有效果，完全凭着你要让它帮你去除多少恐惧和罪疚而带回平安和喜乐而定。 我们准备好并且愿意带给人平安、爱和喜乐的程度， 就是我们愿意去接受这些美好特质的程度。   宽恕能够切断你对自己的批判。 这是我们准备好要「接受自己」的一种声明，这要透过「接受他人」来展现。 「接受」不是说不在意别人或自己的所作所为， 而是知道那些作为只是出于不知道自己的真相所犯的错误而已。 在一开始我们很难相信这种认知能够改变我们的生活，因为我们尚不明白：「是我们的信念造就了我们的生活现状的」。这是关键所在：当我们改变我们的价值观时，我们的生活必会随之改变的。我们必须看见：当我们不再对别人批判，释放他们的内疚时，自己因恐惧和罪疚所生的痛苦折磨也逐渐消退了。当我们不再批判别人的时候，别人也停止了对我们的批判，这需要亲身的体验。 这就是奇迹课程的核心讯息。 学员手册详细解释了如何在每日的生活中一步一步的改变你的信念。 如果你认真的按照它的建议做练习的话，它会带给你真正渴望的东西的。  你可以从你的母亲开始练习宽恕的过程。 你必须开始了解她对你情绪上施加的虐待其实和你个人毫无关系。她也是埋在她自己的罪疚和自我否定当中， 把她「无价值感」的信念投于外。她和我们所有人一样，承受不了巨大的恐惧时， 不能不把她自己的无价值感投到你身上； 就像她母亲对她的态度一样。你现在有一个绝佳的机会来中止这个恶性循环，就是帮助你所遇到的每一个人否定他们自认为「无价值的真相」。你母亲和你追寻的东西完全一样：想要知道自己是被爱的。 让你们两人都经验不到这一真相的原因在于你们都认为自己「不配」的那个感受，我们在世上所有的表现在在流露出我们认为「自己问题很严重」这种信念。你若能和你的母亲连手，为同一目的而努力，你们一定会达成目标的。 刚开始时，她可能无法接受， 那不重要。她有她的时刻， 重要的是你慢慢学会看到了， 出自你信念的那些世界表相，影响不到真实的实相。你只需超越这些表相， 且声明你决定不再相信它们的真实性， 它们便左右不了你的命运， 你的生活便重归于平安、爱和喜乐。  我很钦佩你想要成为上主之师的向往。 没有任何理由阻止你现在就去实现你的梦。你这意愿就是成为上主之师的唯一条件。 你想要聆听内在圣灵之声的意愿，也是你完成理想所需的唯一资源。 最好的老师是最有热忱学习并且愿意去聆听圣灵指引的人。 我预见你有此能力，并且鼓励你放手一试。   只要你肯试着放下自己的罪疚和恐惧， 你目前的处境没有一样是改变不了的，无论是忧郁症、失眠、赚不到钱或是有一个比较好的伴侣关系。 这些只是你恐惧信念所投射出的症状，你一旦愿意改变对你自己的看法，它们就会随之改变的。 不要老是认为自己一直很倒霉，不妨预期一下它们的改变，因为它们一定会改变的。同时试着让别人明白，他们也配拥有快乐和丰足的生活， 这样可以帮助你经验到，你跟他们一样值得的。   最后，我要为你澄清一个观念：为什么当你好像很「努力」地追求灵性成长，却没有办法实现你的梦想。 要了解这点，你必须记得， 「你外在的经验只是反映你内心信念的一面镜子而已」。 如果你不先改变自己的信念， 无论你做什么或是多努力都会徒劳无功。你的思想若是出自罪疚和恐惧，你所经验到的一切事物都会如实地反映出那罪疚和恐惧的。 所以你必须把旧有的信念交托到上主的真理中， 不要担心所谓业力的问题。 业力本身是没有力量的。 它之所以能够控制你，是因为你投注在它上面的信念。似乎只有在你们中国文化背景中，因着那么多人相信，业力才会对你们产生那么大的作用， 也让罪恶感一个最好借口继续衍生下去。 绝对不要接受「厄运会不请自来的」这类信念。
  上主的旨意是要你有全然的喜乐， 当你愈来愈清楚自己的真相时，你就会明白这一点的。你觉得什么方法最容易达成这个目标，上主要你现在就放心去做。只要你肯把问题交托给祂，祂就会证明给你看：你是全然被爱的。 你应尝试朝着「什么能让你更加快乐幸福」这个方向去做选择。 一个快乐的学徒会比不快乐的学徒学的更快更好。现在就去寻找并滋养上主临在于你心内的经验。 让奇迹课程教你如何在那充满荆棘的花园里找到你藏匿的美丽花朵。 永远不要怀疑上主对你的信心， 因为你是祂完美的创造。你是如此的可爱， 并且完美地被爱着。     祝福你     汤姆  Dear Mr. Carpenter,  I give thanks for your guidance.  I began study ACIM during the early eighties. Prior to discovery of ACIM I was into spiritual searching for some time. Since I can remember, I always wanted to understand myself. I am a transsexual. I was born with a female body but had always felt I should be a male since the earliest childhood. I had surgeries done twenty some years ago and have lived successfully as a male since. The surgeries I had did not completely change my physical body due to lack of funds and surgical technique at the time.   My life has been a constant struggle. Luck seems to elude me. It seems that I am always alone by myself. I am a single child. I did not have a father while growing up and I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother. I have no relationship with any relatives. I supported myself since I was sixteen. I have always been plagued with deep devastating depressions. My life experience and outlook has taught me that life is full of suffering, and hardship, joy and happiness are rare. There were times I wanted to kill myself to end the suffering. I did not commit suicide because of my interest in spiritual teachings and the hope that maybe I can find happiness and joy in this life. From all the spiritual readings I learned told me it is not possible to escape suffering from suicide. When I learned of this I was very disappointed. So, begrudgingly, I realized that the only way out of my suffering is through self-realization.   I am determined to success in this endeavor. I need help now. ACIM resonated to me. I wanted to not only study it myself but felt I wanted to help others especially Chinese people to know it too. One of my desires for the past twenty years has been wanting to be with Waterlike (Chiao lin) to learn more about ACIM and help other Chinese who would be interested in ACIM.   However, I have not been able to manifest anything I wanted in my life. I feel very despondent over this. None of my dreams and desires has come true. Life and hope seems to slip away from me…I wanted to establish a good career and business. I am talented in my work. However, due to bad economy and unfortunate circumstances involving a couple of bad contractors with projects I was responsible for, I suffered greatly financially and in my career. My career just seemed went down hill from there. I watch other architects with less than my talent receiving good commissions and recognition where mine just sit there. My marriage of 23 years broke up. My mother's hatred toward my ex-wife certainly did not help toward maintaining my marriage. Towards the end of my marriage I got involved with a woman who was an emotionally abused woman and needed lots of help and support. Now I see nothing but hardship for the future in our relationship because of our own unresolved baggage.   I had an unsuccessful surgery for a sever sleep apnea condition and should have another one. During the last one and half year I have been severely depressed and tired. I am on anti-depressant medicine and I feel physically out of energy. I lost my house during the divorce and am not able to afford to buy another house. I have been living on my savings and it is running out and I am scared. I would like to complete my sex change surgery but that is not realistic now either. I am almost 53 years old now. I haven't established a career and I am starting all over again. It looks like I lost the best opportunities in my life. I am physically, financially, emotionally, mentally all wore out.  I pray daily to Jesus, Holy Spirit and God. I surrender myself to God everyday. I tell myself I must have faith. I beg God to help me, to hear me, to talk to me, everyday. I pray that God to help me to be loving and forgiving. Why haven't I see any change for the better? I ask God everyday to tell me what does He want me to do? I am willing to do anything for you. Help me to hear God.   I don't know what to do. I don't know if my dreams or desires were God's will for me? It seems I need to have a stable career and income to be able to do the work with Waterlike. Which I don't have. I was told by an astrologer that I should teach. But I don't see any opportunity like that happening. I do enjoying teaching. I was also told by the astrologer that if I move to another time zone I should have better income. But I don't know if this is God's will for me. I enjoy my work, I am very creative in my work, but which I believe is not very marketable in my area, and I don't know how to market my work. I do organic architecture. I want to know what God wants me to do.  I would like to know about my relationship with this woman. I do love her. But it looks like to me she is not ready or willing to have a relationship the way I envisioned. I am now working on myself to just love her unconditionally and not expecting anything from her in return. This has been very difficult to do, but I am working hard on this. I'd like to know what kind of Karma I have with this woman.   Why am I not able to manifest any of my dreams? I believe I have been working very hard in spiritual work. I am a more forgiving and loving man than I ever was. Yet, I am still plagued with depressions, hopelessness and despair. Even with this, I am clear that reaching God and to be a self-realized man is my main goal in life. My faith is stronger than before. But I do need help.   Mr. Carpenter, can you talk to God for me? I need help.  George  Dear George,
I have received your letter and feel the pain and torment which has defined your life in such a way they often seem insurmountable. I want to assure you, however, that not only is it possible to change your life, you have already begun that process by reaching out for help. Something within you that is not yet quite definable knows there is a peaceful, joyful way to experience your life, or you would merely accept things the way they are and not search for something else. Trust this feeling for it will help to bring about the changes even more quickly.  While I do understand your pain, for all who share this world have it in one form or another, there is something else I see in you that you are unaware of and will initially find difficult to accept. I see a lovely flower blooming in pure joyful radiance, anxious to share the beauty and joy it feels with everyone. This perfect creation was born in love and innocence as an integral part of all Creation, and will forever remain so.
I tell you of this vision as a reminder, for it, being the truth, is already in your mind but buried behind many layers of guilty misperceptions you have dreamed about yourself.   You have been told things similar to this for some time, but have previously thought of this image of beauty as a fantasy to reach for, something to be attained which your ego belief insisted was beyond you. It is time now for you to understand you cannot attain what is already true about you. Your path is not one of learning how to change yourself, but how to see past your misperceptions to the truth that has never changed. That is the purpose of learning the forgiveness process as taught by A Course in Miracles.   Knowing that what we now believe is not the truth is the first step in changing our beliefs. The second step is feeling empowered to actually change our mind, to know that it is only our own decision that is necessary. We obviously cannot do this while holding others responsible for what has happened in our lives. This is most difficult to overcome in the ego belief system for being a victim of others beliefs and choices is central to all it other beliefs.   Another part of feeling empowered to change our mind, while knowing we need not be victim to others choices, is to realize it is our beliefs that make up our experiences. Those beliefs not only control the meaning of what happens, which determines our perception of the outcome, they literally create the circumstances of our experience as well. You were brought up in an environment which gave little value to being a female child. This suited your beliefs of low self-esteem from prior lifetimes and made it easy for you to accept this evaluation. Your feeling that you should be a male was the first awakenings that it was possible to choose to be something of value. Being rejected by your mother further influenced your leanings. Being "like" her was far from satisfying. It actually had nothing to do with sexual inclinations, which is why you have had difficulties in that area in your relationships.
All of your struggles from early childhood to now have come as a result of what I would characterize as one form or another of self denial; the choices always resulting in feeling punished or abused in some fashion. Please do not believe that "luck" or chance had anything to do with it. That only serves to further rob you of the power of your own choices.
As I said to you before, I have reminded you of an image of yourself that is true. This is also what A Course in Miracles does and that is why it resonates with you, as the way to let what the truth is return to your awareness. That process is the one of forgiveness. I must say to you, however, for it to be effective you must be willing to commit to it, to do it consistently with every occasion in which guilt and fear arise. The effectiveness of the power of forgiveness is measured by how much it releases you from fear and guilt and restores peace and joy to your experience. And the extent to which we are ready and willing to receive peace, love and joy is the extent to which we are willing to give it.
Forgiveness suspends self imposed judgment. It is the acknowledgment that we are ready to accept our self, and we demonstrate this thru our acceptance of others; not in spite of what they / we have done, but because we can see it was simply a mistake we both have made about what was really true. This in the beginning is hard to value as what will change our lives because we do not recognize it is only our beliefs that make our lives what they are. That is why it is so essential that we experience the changes that occur when we change what we value. We must see how the suffering and hardships of fear and guilt begin to disappear from our experience as we release others from the guilt of our judgments. We must experience first hand how others do not judge us as we stop judging them. This is the message of A Course in Miracles. The Workbook section is the detailed, "how to" change your belief on a daily, step-by-step basis. It will accomplish exactly what you want it to if you take it literally and do as it suggests  The one for you to begin the forgiveness process with is your mother. You must begin to realize that her "abuse" of you in truth had nothing to do with you. She too was simply buried in her own guilt and self-denial and was reacting to her beliefs of worthlessness. She, as we all do when our fear is great, projected her sense of worthlessness on to you, as her mother had done to her. You now have a wonderful opportunity to break this cycle by denying the truth of worthlessness for everyone. What your mother was searching for is the same thing you are searching for - to know that you are loved. What holds you both back is the perception of being unlovable, the appearances of our behaviors in the world, which always come as a result of believing there is something wrong with us. Joining with her in knowing you shared a common goal will make the attainment of that goal a certainty for both of you. She may or may not accept it in the time you do, but that is not important. It will be there when she is ready to accept it. What is important is your learning that the appearance in the world of the manifestations of our beliefs does not change or influence what is actually true. But seeing past these appearances - acknowledging you no longer choose to believe they are true - will release you from their effects, bringing peace, love and joy to your life.
I admire and respect your desire to become a teacher of God. There is no reason for you not to do this right now. Your desire to do so is the only requirement. Your willingness to listen to the Voice for God within you is the only source you need to rely on to do all that needs to be done. The most effective teachers are those who have a strong desire to learn and have the willingness to trust their inner Voice to lead them. I can see that you can do this and encourage you to be open to try.
There is nothing in your life experience now that will not change as you begin to see past your guilt and fear, whether it is depression, sleep disorder, trouble earning money or having better relationships. All of these things are symptoms of your fearful beliefs and will change as you change the way you see yourself. Do not be tempted to think that your "luck" will be the same as it has been. Expect that things will change, because they will. Practice teaching others they deserve to be happy and have abundance in their lives. This will help you to realize this is also true for you.
The last thing I would like to clarify for you is why, when you seem to be "working so hard" to achieve your spiritual goals, you do not seem able to "manifest your dreams." To understand this you must remember that it is your beliefs which are the mirror for your experience. Until those beliefs change it doesn't matter what you do or how hard you "work." When your thoughts are based on guilt and fear your experiences will unfold to serve the purposes of guilt and fear. It is these beliefs you must surrender to the truth God offers you. Do not worry about the effects of karma. It has no power of its own. The only power it could have over you is what belief you invest in it. It has only seemed to have great effect in your culture because it is a belief greatly empowered because there are so many who share it and so it is used as an explanation to further justify guilt. Do not subscribe to any belief that seems to allow anything to happen to you against your will.
God's Will for you is perfect happiness, which you will come to know as what is true about you becomes more evident. God wants you to do whatever in your perception will make this easier to achieve. He can use anything you bring to Him to teach you that you are perfectly loved. You should grow accustomed to making choices based upon whether or not they will make you happy. A happy learner learns much more effectively than one who is not happy. Begin now to find and nurture the Presence of God within you. Allow the Course to teach you how to find the beautiful flower you have hidden in your garden of thorns. Never doubt God's faith in you who is His perfect creation. You are perfectly lovable and perfectly loved.
Blessings, Tom Carpenter     
转自： 奇迹课程中文部－Ask Tom专栏 2006/4/7