认识界限——Maxie的成长故事(一)[转载]

伽凡—福州

[转载]2011年7月专栏：认识界限——Maxie的成长故事(一)
Helping to wean my granddaughter, Maxie, brought me several insights into the development of boundaries.
在帮助我孙女Maxie戒奶的过程中，我更深刻地了解了界限的发展：

THE CONFLICT
冲突

Maxie, my splendid granddaughter, was approaching three.  Her father (my son Jeff) had died suddenly just after Maxie was conceived.  Maxie was thriving under mother’s brave and loving solo parenting.  At the same time, they were locked in a power struggle—Maxie still wanting to breast feed frequently on demand, throughout the day and night.  She rarely slept for more than an hour or two at a time and often had nightmares.  Weaning had been attempted numerous times but Maxie was formidable.  Her mother, Carrie was exhausted!
我可爱的小孙女Maxie快三岁了。怀上Maxie的时候，她的父亲意外去世了，Maxie被母亲勇敢地拉扯长大。“权利斗争”的问题出现了——Maxie仍然没有断奶，只要想喝奶，她可不管是白天还是黑夜。Maxie晚上也睡不踏实，几乎很少睡超过2小时，经常做噩梦。我们尝试了好几次断奶，但都没有成功。因为种种原因，Maxie的母亲Carrie已经精疲力竭了。

Maxie engaged at birth with preventing her extinction by letting her mom (the person that held the power of life and death) know when she was uncomfortable.   We all start out helpless, with discomfort as our signal that immediate survival needs must be gratified.  We communicate this discomfort whole-heartedly until soothed, our indicator that we will not perish.  Pre-language, the body soothing experienced from gratification of primitive needs is translated into being safe and secure rather than helpless, therefore threatened; in control rather than chaos.
Maxie与生俱来地通过表达她的不舒服彰显她的存在。我们都如此，无助地出生于这个世界，通过表达自己的不舒服的信号，希望自身的生存需求可以立刻得到满足。我们全然地用这样的方式表达我们的不舒服，直到被注意、被满足，我们告知自己，我们不会消亡。表达基本需求——被满足，我们通过这样的经历，告诉我们自己，我们是安全的，而不是无助的，我们是可以掌控的，而不是混乱的。

What had started out as a healthy, natural entitlement for Maxie (I’m hungry, feed and hold me so I don’t die) had grown into full-blown entitlement—“it is my right to have it now, no matter what; the world is here for my satisfaction).
Maxie逐渐把这种方法（我饿了，赶紧给我点吃的，抱紧我，这样我就不会死去了）发展为了一种特权（这是我的权力，不管怎样我希望马上就能得到它，世界就是为了满足我的需求）。

For a child to develop their own healthy boundaries and mature beyond infantile entitlement, parents must gradually begin to delay gratifying the child’s every demand. Calmly and firmly telling the child “Not now”.  Yes, you are upset and you must wait even though it isn’t easy” will introduce the inevitable frustrations of life and provide the child the important opportunity to learn that they indeed can experience frustration and not die.
对于一个刚刚开始接触“健康”界限的孩子来说，父母们推迟满足孩子的需求，对于孩子界限的形成和成熟非常有帮助。坚定冷静地告诉孩子——“现在不可以”，“是的，我知道你现在很沮丧，但是你得稍微等一会，我也知道这对你来说很不容易”——通过这这样的方式，孩子知道，生命中挫折是无法避免的，经历挫折不会导致死亡。

At first shock of encountering this frustration, although the child doesn’t possess cognitive understanding, they react as if “my life is threatened, I am not safe, I am in chaos – to survive I have to get my needs and wants satisfied now!”  Usually by the age of two, the child/parent power struggle is in full bloom.  How the parent engages in this struggle for power has a profound influence on whether or not the child grows valuable lifetime boundaries.
尽管这时的孩子还不能认识理解，当他经历这样的挫折时，应激反应可能是“我的生命受到了威胁，我是不安全的，我处于混乱之中——为了生存，我需要得到我的要求，我期望被满足”。通常情况下，孩子在1-2岁时，和父母的权利斗争全面展开。父母如何和孩子进行权利斗争的过程，对于孩子是否形成有价值的界限观非常重要。
待续...